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An Ohio Friends member writes:

A Letter 1999

My husband and I had just separated after ten years of marriage. I started seeing this guy at work. He wanted to get serious but I wasn't sure. We didn't have sex because I didn't want to catch anything (HA!) but foolishly we did engage in oral sex. He had a cold sore and now I have genital herpes. Afterwards I was so mad that he didn't have it ... didn't seem fair. He was sorry and we didn't see each other any more. I was celibate for three years afterwards. Then my husband and I got back together. I told him everything. He knew there was a risk. He didn't have herpes and never caught it from me in the last five years of our marriage. We didn't use condoms, just didn't have sex during my outbreaks. Herpes wasn't the reason our marriage ended. I think sharing my story here on our web site (no names attached) might help. I met a guy in donate one night who, after hearing my story, thought maybe his ex wife was telling the truth when she said she wasn't fooling around on him. That maybe he gave genital herpes to her, because he gets cold sores all the time. This is why I think its important to share our stories they just might change some one's perspective.

Masque 2000 (read about our 1st Masque) Hello all and may I start by apologizing for the lateness of this note. On behalf of Ohio Friends, I wanted to thank each and every one of you who responded to our plight and donated your funds to bail us out of debt from The Masque. I am very moved by the prompt and generous donations and many thanks to everyone who sent those checks as we are able to pay the hotel the remainder of the bill. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart and I hope to see all of you next year! Hmmm, we have over 200 in our statewide group and of our many members not many of you showed up for the Masque. Still we had over 130 pass through for the weekend. Most of the people were from out of state! Imagine that! New and different faces you could have met and they could have met you. Well, there's always next year. On the other hand I being a very loyal member (showing up for just about all events) was happy to see and get to visit with new and old friends. My biggest surprise was seeing the "Original Island Man" (back in the beginning we thought it best to use made up names) He was our first social director ... and what has it been? A year, since I've seen him. His last advice to me was to "keep it simple, silly" KISS for short ... but when have I ever listened to him;) Still I miss him ... He plans on getting married ... (and really plans on making a big thing out of it:) I'd like to leave him with these three short words of advice KISS, KISS, and KISS. And I get to do the wedding flowers ... yippee!! They don't call me Petals for nothing :) Okay enough about all that ... I bet you want to know about how the bobbing for bratwurst went ... Well, it didn't go as planned the guy who was helping with the game ... well lets just say he got a better offer. So I was on my own. Couldn't find bratwurst or anything shaped like a ... hmmm bratwurst, that didn't need cooking first. So we changed the game from bobbing for bratwurst to bobbing for Zucchini it was both washable and hard ... just like I like them;) The game was a three way tie. I can't figure it out. Laying on the floor, blindfolded, Zucchini swinging in the air on short rope and still every one of the contestants got it in their months at the same time every time. Best out of three. Hmmm they must have practiced. LOL The dating game went well ... "Wonder Woman" picked "Big Daddy" Our own Kerri Ann as Cleopatra hosted ... great questions ... but still what's up with fruits and vegetables in the bedroom?! The DJ and I both thought the bachelor's would have picked whip cream to take into the bedroom (This further makes me think some of us have been practicing!) Oh and by the way ... Happy Belated Birthday to the best DJ in the whole world! Thanks! you did a great job! Working and getting older all at the same time. :) The Body Search game went well ... there too ... blindfolded and with only one hand we can find just about anything and find it fast! Congratulations to the fast hand of our own Krazy Kris roaming all over our own Coach Mike. She found the Q tip in his zipper and the safety pin in his back pocket! You should have been there ... oh my what a fast hand! Best costume went to a female corpse (she had a large bug in her pocket ... did anyone fine it?) and the best male costume went to a large blue valtrex capsule. Greatest distance traveled male and female both go to Californians, Little Bo Peep and Big Daddy. I hoped you two enjoy your prizes. I saved the best ones for you. The raffle was won by Dee from Pittsburgh I was glad she won ... see I remember she was the first to mail in her check for the Masque. Congratulations to all our winners! I can't tell you how many thank you letters I've received so far. Everyone seems to be thanking me. Could I have pulled this off by myself? No way! I'd like to send out very special thanks to everyone who helped and got just as excited and tired and worried as I did. Thank you Vicki, Chris, Pete, Dennis, Joe, Heather, Shawn, Kerri Ann, Cris, Tammy, and Coach Mike. Yes, we were a little short on the money owed to the Hilton but just to let you know ... this group is full of a lot of generous people and so many of them are sending in checks to help us out as well as others from other states. I was sent copies of the letters they sent to Ohio Friends saying they were sending in money for us. It was like that movie "It's a wonderful Life". I felt like crying. Thank you all so much! Lastly, I would like to let you all in on a few changes. I have moved from Cleveland to Columbus and even though I'm no longer a part of the Cleveland chapter I am still the Social Director of Ohio Friends. Where Cleveland plans a Valentine's Dance and Columbus plans a Christmas Dance ... know that I too will be planning a party soon for everyone in hopes of bringing more of us together!

Brandywine 2000 Hello everyone ... I'm told we now have well over 120 members ! About 20 of us showed up at Brandywine. Some as far away as Pennsylvania, Michigan, and Columbus. Thanks to those members for making the trip to join us. You were lots of fun and the lemon squares were great! We all had a great time and the place was quiet enough for many of us to talk. By the way, we now have our first couple!! ... how exciting! I truly believe there's hope for us all. I realized again how hard it is to come out to one of these events. I was at Brandywine in the parking lot ready to get out of my car when I started the engine and left. I was sure I wouldn't find anyone and since I wasn't skiing I had even less of a chance. I got half way home and turned back around. How could I keep nagging all of you to come out and join us if I chickened out at my first skiing event? So I turned back and walked in, went to the pay phone and ran right into a nice guy who called me by name (says I look like my picture ... on Antopia). He couldn't find anyone either. He let me use his cell phone and I called Joe. Joe answered while coming down the slope (now that's dedication). The moral to this is always get the cell phone number... you'll never walk in alone. I wonder how many of you are listed with Antopia. I am, and thought joining a local group like ours would greatly improve my chances of meeting someone. Did any of you think that too? I've talked to many people like us. I'm a member of a few H groups on both Yahoo! and Excite. I was surprised that many of us share similar experiences. All this time I thought it was just me getting no response from ads I have answered -- or hearing the dreaded words "lets just be friends". The more I talked and listened, to both males and females, I started to notice that it happens to all of us. The pretty and the handsome, the wealthy and the poor of us. What's going on? Didn't we all come here to meet someone? Haven't we (some of us) decided we don't want to be alone anymore. So what's up? Have we become the enemy? Pushing away the very thing we seek. I've heard it all. No spark. No attraction. No chemistry. Too much of a distance. Too rich. Too poor. On and on. Some people hear these -- and some nothing at all ... no reply. Lets all take a giant step back to the days of, mail order brides (two people both needing each other) and arranged marriages. Did you know arranged marriages of old ... for the most part, lasted. Their secret, two like minded people working together. That's the kind of thinking I'd like for you (all of us really) to throw in with all of the standards and requirements we've already set for that person that we would like to share our lives with. A word to you guys, relax!! She'll be beautiful, because you love her. -- and to you ladies. -- he'll be rich, because you'll never want for anything. Wouldn't it be nice to meet someone like that and really take the the time to invest in a relationship that could benefit both of you? I'll tell you a secret ... that person (I think would be perfect for you) will be at our February event ... waiting for you ... Hope to see you there!!

Petals

Spread Knowledge Not Herpes Earlier this month I attended the Columbus HELP group. We got into a discussion about talking about herpes. Many of the people said they found it hard, and in most cases impossible, to talk about herpes with non-herpes people. I feel it's important that we change that way of thinking. Discussing herpes is not the same as telling everyone you have the disease. It simply tells them that you are informed -- and had you been as informed as you are now back then, would you even be here today? Lets spread knowledge not herpes. Here are some examples of what was said to and around knowledgeable people as they just stood by and said nothing, not wanting to bring attention to their selves. "Spit was flying everywhere, (some guy talking) he could have herpes." "A neighbor of mine didn't want to go swimming because the women (she says) who just got out of the pool could have herpes or AIDS." "My mother washes the toilet seat after I use the bathroom it makes me feel awful. I should have never told her I had herpes." "I find myself cleaning more than ever. Having herpes has really changed my life. I don't date anymore. I would hate it if I gave this to anyone, especially my children." These statements were made by or to people with herpes. I see no reason to let anyone live in the dark ages when you're standing right next to them and you have the knowledge to correct them, but don't! Herpes is spread by direct skin-to-skin contact from the site of infection to the site of contact. You can however, catch other things (like the flu) from spit flying everywhere. Swimming pools have chlorine! THANK GOD!! It's always nice when the toilet seat is clean (and down) but let's say its covered with the herpes virus. Hmmm ... one wonders how long it would live? Maybe we should use bleach or have the paint removed before anyone sits down after us. Better yet maybe us herpes folks shouldn't sit on toilets. Will soap and water kill it? According to ASHA's pamphlet Herpes questions and Answers, "The herpes virus is easily killed with soap and water." Well, I looked high and low and could not find anything about toilet seats or doorknobs, and what about faucets spreading the herpes virus. On the other hand I also didn't find anything about them not spreading the virus. When telling someone that you have herpes, balance that information with facts and knowledge. A few people have let herpes change who they are. They have stopped dating. One woman I talked with stopped kissing her children, because she worried about passing the virus onto them, even when there was no sore present. Some feel dirty and less attractive. Many more lose their self-esteem. These people worry about everything and while it's important not to kiss a baby when you have a cold sore, I can't believe someone would just give up kissing their children altogether. Why live like that, when there is so much information out there: THE NATIONAL STD HOTLINE 1-800-227-8922 and THE NATIONAL HERPES HOTLINE 1-919-361-8488, as well as all the online sites. I don't understand why so many of us are still living in the dark ages. I can really get upset when I talk with people who say they don't care. That herpes hasn't changed them. That they date anyone they want. That having the virus hasn't changed them. They talk about having sex without a condom between outbreaks. They know that herpes can be spread even when no symptoms are present. Still they engage in sex without ever telling their partner. These people, men as well as women, are living in denial. They need to accept the facts and change not themselves but their thinking and their behavior. They need to accept the fact that they have a virus that can be spread to others and to act responsibly. Learn all you can and don't keep it a secret.

Paula Petals

What Kind of Lover are You? Dedicated to those who spoke with me at the Columbus softball event. Thanks for the advice. Also a special thanks to my Uncle Cain for listening when I needed a friend. Chances are many of you feel like you're the only one thinking about making love before you fall to sleep. Wrong. You may also think that everyone but you has a better grip on his or her loneliness. Wrong again. This little group of ours has many different types of people but make no mistake, we are alike in many ways. Most of us know what we want and what we need. We just don't know how to get it. For some of us, it's across a wide canyon. We can see it, but have no idea how to reach for it. For so many of us commitment, trust, faith and love are just out of reach. I've met many people while in this group. I've been to three national events, D.C., Indy and Chicago. I make it a point to talk with as many members as possible. I learned so much about others, as well as myself. Just a little while ago I fancied myself on the road to a real relationship ... in an effort to keep a short story short, I'll just say this. It was over before I embarrassed myself too much. Like the Temptations said "It was just my imagination, running away with me." This got me to thinking, "what kind of nut am I?" Just for fun I've come up with five categories of people, "looking for love." Why? Because I believe if you can recognize your own shortcomings or those of someone else, you stand a better chance at overcoming them or at least understanding them. First we have our Prisoners, then the Runners, third we have the Crazy Lovers, then the Shoppers and lastly, the Lovers. To be fair I'll start with myself. I'm a Prisoner. In my minds eye there's a 10-inch-thick brick wall surrounding me. This is my castle or prison depending, on your perspective. Around the brick wall is a moat filled with muck and something between a T-rex and the Lochness Monster lurking in the darkness. Yes, its going to take a team of shrinks YEARS to figure me out. The funny thing is that most people who meet me never know I have such secrets (do they?). We all "fake good" -- some better than others. Prisoners want love and even go so far as to seek love, but they will only go so far after all they could get is hurt. It's dangerous out there. Prisoners are overly cautious, afraid to let anyone in, therefore, they can't let their guard down. No one gets in and they don't come out. Then there are the Runners. They look good and say all the right things. I've heard many of them refer to their current partner as "the one," only to later hear how the "great relationship," ended suddenly over some little thing. Runners usually leave just when things are going great. They are afraid of commitment. Most are so good at this game that many times the person they leave thinks it is something they've done wrong. Crazy Lovers can be a little scary. On the surface these people seem very sure of themselves with no insecurities. They look good and they have great jobs. In their opinion, everyone wants to be them and anyone would have to be a fool not to love them. Often someone will criticize them or not show them the appreciation they feel they deserve. Then the crazy lover's anger knows no bounds. Also, if they love you, then they will always love you (unfortunately). They are harder to get rid of than cellulite. Shoppers are my favorite. I can talk with them for hours. Oh how wonderful their lives are. No worries. They remind me of the Andy Griffith show. He and Opie, gone fishing for the day with not a care in the world. Shoppers are content to just relax and enjoy. They have no expectations and they will tell you that they are having a great time. Typically that couldn't be farther from the truth. Shoppers are just as lonely as the rest of us. They start out like the rest of us, full of hope, but upon coming home they notice that their pockets are still empty and that they are still alone. It may seem like they are afraid to commit but their problem is a fear to choose love and more afraid of rejection. Lovers ... "When the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars..." Then (but any time will do) the Lover rules! When dating a lover, bring your condoms but not your heart. When it's over it's over. They can't seem to get out of the room fast enough. Once a long time ago, the Lover knew real love and was hurt by it. Boy oh boy, wasn't the sex great!! Since that time, they have been looking for those same feelings again and again. They're looking for love in all the wrong places. They remember feeling so good but they forget the pain. Most of us remember love can be a "hurting thing". Lovers never learn to take the good with the bad, the sunshine with the rain or the love with the pain. Together, they are a balance older than time. What more can I say... "Love may be a mistake, but it's worth making."

Paula Petals

Letter 2/2000 Hi, I am writing to say I am so pleased there is a group in Cleveland for those of us living with the herpes virus. I have attended a couple of events and must admit I am actually surprised and relieved at how comfortable I feel with the people in this group. This may sound silly, but I was in a sorority, in college, and we did a lot of activities with one of the fraternities on campus. After a while, we all felt like family. There were all types of personalities mixed together and it just worked. That's the feeling I get from this group. At the last gathering, there were a few new people and within an hour or so, everybody was interacting as if they knew each other for a long time. I can't exactly put a finger on it, but the acceptance and camaraderie is more easily accomplished in this group than I have experienced or observed through other affiliations I have. I think it must be the common bond we share. Although I did not feel I was dealing with anything I couldn't handle, and felt as though I had everything under control, I am learning I feel more relaxed and accepting of my condition now that I am building friendships with others that also have this. I can see I am becoming less concerned about people knowing of my situation, and there is no doubt I feel better about myself. I want to thank this group for that. It is a true blessing for me. I don't want to discourage new men from attending by saying this, but a word to you women out there. I have been single for a long time and go to a lot of single events. There almost always seems to be more women than men at just about everything I attend. Not the case here. Although there seems to be a fairly evenly matched number of men and woman, there have been a few more men at the events I have been part of. Personally, I like that! I like that a lot! It is nice, for a change, to see more men than woman at an event. Also, it is hard to explain, but the men are so "normal." Some of the things I attend, well, let me just say there are a lot of strange people out there. What I probably find the most interesting is how "normal" everyone in this group is. I can't think of a better way to put it. In closing, I just want to say how delighted I am about the group, the quality people that are members, and the fact there is an outlet like this in my local community. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Valentines Dance 2001 I never want to start a letter by complaining but in this case I’ll make an exception. I had the worst time getting to Cleveland and I apologize to those of you that went to the 100th Bomb Group to meet Shawn and I for dinner. We didn't arrive until about 11PM. When we left Columbus it was raining Shawn thought it important to wash her car! (Although wax on the windshield was not her intention, it is what happened.) She could not see a thing and it rained the entire trip. Traffic was sooooo slow, but most of the slower cars were behind us, trying to get around. It is very hard to get wax off of a windshield, so do not let this happen to you. We arrived late, wet and wind blown, but were met at the hotel by our host, Lady Alustriel. She filled us in on what was going on and we raced to get ready and head over to the Bomber Squadron. A few were still there when we arrived. At last we were able to sit and relax with our friends and talk about the upcoming Valentines Dance. I only mention this because so many of you do not attend and when some of you write to me, you say things like I have my kids that weekend or the weather was bad or I just cannot make it because of work. Well, I had my daughter with me in the car and dropped her off before I went to the hotel, the weather WAS bad and I took a vacation day from work. I just want everyone to know SOMETIMES it can be done. For me, it is worth all the trouble to see my old friends and have a chance at meeting new ones. Think about it and decide one of these days to join us. Saturday afternoon at the hotel other guests started to arrive. Shawn and I were just getting back from dropping off the balloons (now that was a job) when a few people had come into the hotel to register. Well, when Shawn and I were by the coffee machine chatting, a cutie pie walked in and overheard us talking with a few other OhioFriends members. It was not that we said anything that would give away our secret (we never would do that) but we were talking about going over to the hall and helping to set up. Getting back to the cutie pie, he came over and asked me if we were going to the German Cultural Center, too. My answer was yes but then Shawn gave Gary from Michigan a big hug (it is just her way) and instantly he knew he was among friends. Introductions were made as a few others joined us. Mike from Pa., our very own GreenEyedAngel (but we just call her Kris), and Thayer from Sandusky, Ohio. Jamie and Marie from Fla. and Marion, our new group leader for Cincinnati and, oh, I can’t remember everybody’s names! Shawn and I left everyone getting to know each other and went to dress for the Dance. By the time we left the hotel, giving a lift to a few, Dee and her Pa. group were just pulling in. Seems they, too, had a rough trip but they were all smiles when they saw their old friends. Welcome to Ohio, Bethany. Glad you could make it this time and thanks for bringing Dave and Rick! Seems Pa. may be on my "to do" list this year, if all the guys all are as handsome as Rick and Dave. Once at the Dance, I said hello to everyone and met Carol from Wooster and Michelle, who are both new to our group. There were some old friends, Tommy and David. Thanks for joining us again, guys. Special thanks to Robert for going and picking up our Debbie from Boston who’s plane got in late and there was another Shawn from Canton. I first met Shawn in December at the Cleveland Chapter’s Dinner. He was so quiet then but he sure got live at the dance! He even sat through a lap dance and then boogied all night. I met RANGERDUDE, who is the guy that will help us plan our next Mohican weekend. It’s good to know you, sir! Says he can point out private places so our group won’t be crowded in with other campers. And there was Ken from Michigan and Jerry, a little late, but as always, good to have you. A big pat on the back to our host, Lady Alustriel, and her team. Jay, Karen, Chris Z. Heather and Ed (hope I didn’t forget anybody), to all of you, a job well done! But don’t think this is the end. We are planning events as I write this column.I have gotten word that there is going to be wine tasting in the spring and karaoke, laser tag and bowling. Keep checking out our website for news updates and events.

Your friend Paula Petals

Letter from an Interested Observer 1999 Dear Friends, For the past couple of months I have been receiving emails from FriendswH2. I am on the #2 (interested observer) email list. At this point, I am not feeling the need to be present at group activities. In general, the meetings and activities sound geared to social opportunities and that is not currently a priority for me. So, why am I writing? There are few places that one can even talk about having this virus. FriendswH2 is one of the few places the subject is even broached. Not everyone is a group type person or is ready to expose themselves even to others who are in the same situation. It is nice to be a part of a group, even if you are not there in person. It doesn't mean you do not struggle with feeling somehow different and alienated. Diseased, guilty, infected, contagious ... the list of negative labels goes on. This group, and the efforts of the social committee, are greatly appreciated. The emails act as a channel that emphasizes acceptance and welcome to all living with this virus. Offering to meet new people prior to events or to talk about whatever would make attending events more comfortable for them, is a generous and kind gesture. I know of few other supportive groups who extend themselves that far. It is a given that each of us has a story to tell about our herpes experience. Perhaps a way to share this common bond would be to submit a few paragraphs describing how this fact has changed how we see our life. Comments on how it was transmitted, how it affects relationships, health factors, self-confidence, how we deal with it, etc., can be told in a safe and anonymous manner. These words of wisdom can help us all. Thank you for providing this place to feel a sense of community without the pressure of meeting in a group face to face. Keep up the valuable efforts you make. It means a lot to a lot of people.

Cleveland Friends Newsletter - 1st Activity Hi Everybody, we want to bring you up to date regarding the Cleveland Friends H2O Social Group. The committee met for the first time on Wednesday, July 21st. Along with planning our first activity, we all had a great time meeting and getting to know one another. We were all a little nervous at first (as you may be --thinking about walking into one of these events), but we quickly realized we are just normal people, with normal lives, that happen to have something in common. I am happy to report we have a great committee. Let me take a minute and tell you a little about us: "Cruiser" -- Committee Chairman. We call him "Cruiser" because he has a boat and took us all out on it for our committee meeting. We planned the first activity while cruising the flats eating shrimp and other snacks (Hey, this is all about having a good time, isn't it?) "Island Man" -- Social Chairman. Island Man likes to hang out at the Islands and loves being around the water. From what I observed, we could not have found a better Social Chairman. He is very laid back and easy going. His main emphasis is making sure everyone feels relaxed and comfortable at our activities. He doesn't want name tags, or introductions, or anything that will put anyone on the spot. He wants an atmosphere where everyone can be as outgoing, or reserved, as they wish to be. (Island man has two committee members at this time, and can always use more. Just so you know, this committee meeting was great! Next time you should come, and join us in making plans). Computer Man -- Webmaster. Computer Man has put in a lot of time implementing a Web Page for our group. We often get emails from him at 3 or 4 in the morning letting us know of the progress he is making. The site is now functional, although a long way from where Computer Man plans to take it. "Petals" -- Newsletter Coordinator. That's me! and I'm so happy Cruiser helped me out on this newsletter. I've never written a newsletter before, short stories are more my style. This is something new for me, but I will try to keep you up to date on what is going on with our group. Now, for our first activity. We wanted an event that wasn't going to be expensive, or too loud to talk. So, we have decided on a "Potluck in the Park", for Saturday, August 14th. We picked Edgewater Park on the near west side of Cleveland for several reasons: First, it is a central location. It is on the water so people can swim or sun bathe if they wish. Edgewater Park is known for many activities such as fishing (there is a fishing pier), kite flying, roller blading, biking and walking. Pets are allowed if you want to bring your pet. The Potluck will officially run from noon to 7 pm. We will eat around 4 pm. Please bring a dish to share, your own beverage cooler, and a hot dog, hamburger, or whatever, if you want to throw something on the grill. We will provide charcoal. Bring your own plate and plastic ware setups. Once you pull into the park, there will be a couple of choices as to where you go. We won't know where we can grab a spot until we actually get there, so we will mark the correct drive with "Green Balloons." We will also have Green Balloons at the spot where we setup. (Speaking of charcoal and green balloons, we will have a donation box where people can make a donation for the incidental expenses we incur. This fund will be managed by the committee, and only used for group events -- and not for committee meetings. Donations will be totally voluntary). Feel free to come and go as you please. If you can't make the entire afternoon, stop by for an hour or so. The idea is for us to start the process of getting to know one another. For those that can't get enough, some of us plan to head for the Flats after the potluck. We will leave for the Flats at 7 pm. If you have to work during the day, you may want to join us in the flats. We will have someone holding a "Green Balloon" standing at the entrance to the Powerhouse in the flats between 7:30 pm and 8 pm. (if you can get to Edgewater before 7 pm, you can follow us down -- we may pile into a few cars and leave some at Edgewater to cut down on parking expense). By the way, if you want to do it all, you may want to bring a change of clothes. There are bathrooms at Edgewater where you can clean up (although we won't have any control over how clean the facilities stay throughout the day). Well, that is probably enough information for one email. You will be hearing from us again before the 14th. We just wanted you to get the date on your calendar. If anyone has any suggestions, comments, or feedback, we will try to incorporate any good ideas into the next newsletter. We are definitely looking forward to meeting you on the 14th. We should have a nice, laid back afternoon.

Petals

Say Something Nice Say something nice!!! And let's learn to socialize better. Learn to be with and talk with members of the opposite sex without thinking whether or not this person is "lasting relationship" material. That kind of thinking raises expectations so high that nobody wins. Many of us make the mistake in thinking that the perfect relationship takes the perfect person. Believe me it doesn't!! Everyone and anyone, no matter how imperfect, has a chance at a great relationship. Change your thinking and take a giant step ... decide to become an active member of Ohio Friends. Join us for the meetings and events, even if you don't see anyone there that interests you. Let us get to know you and give you a chance to really get to know us. One day someone will walk into an event and you won't be able to take your eyes off of them. The rest of us will already know you well enough to vouch for you and may even put in a good work about you. After all we are you're FRIENDS :) This is a safer way to meet someone. Much better than a blind date based on a few weeks of email and the best photo I have ;) I'd like you to remember something I read a while back..."love doesn't need a reason, only opportunity." Have a great summer!! Come and play with all your Ohio Friends!!

Ohio Friends member writes:

'The Dirty Low Down'

It was getting close to two years since I had had sex. I’d never gone for so long with it. I’m in my middle 30’s and I had been entertaining the thought that if I didn’t hurry I could lose my timing if you know what I mean. So I met if you can call it that a woman over the Internet. We talked on the phone and got to know each other pretty well. I knew her name and what she did for a living. I even asked her if she had been tested for HIV and when was the last time she was with a guy. She was okay with all that. She told me her last test was over 6 months ago and that she hadn’t dated anyone in over a year. Of course I was upfront with her too. I told her I had herpes and that I get an HIV test every six months. After about 3 weeks we met for dinner. I was late because of my job and she met me outside of the restaurant. She was beautiful and sexy as hell. So I didn’t think much about us not going into the restaurant for dinner. After all I was starving for both sex as well as for food. Bet you can guess which one was foremost in my mind. She suggested we go to her place and it sounded good at the time after all I had a pocket full of condoms a long strip folded three times stuffed into my wallet. Once into her apartment she grabs me. The sex was great…condoms still folded nicely in my wallet. If I had been asked the next day how I felt about her I would have sang her praises. But as the weeks went by I heard from her less and less. I would call from work (when she was suppose to be home) and get her machine I would leave messages that were never returned. Then I got trichomoniasisa ! A big surprise. An STD treatable but still very hellish. I called her to tell her about it and of course she denied having anything. She justifies her denial by telling me the guy she is seeing doesn’t have anything and that she’s been seeing him for over a year!! Imagine my surprise learning about him. Needless to say I was wrong not to use a condom, but also wrong to sleep with her. She wasn’t honest with me, not once! And I fell for it because I thought 2 years was too long to wait. Well I’m so fu%$*# careful now you won’t believe how long I’m willing to wait for an honest woman!

Unsigned

Ohio Friends member writes:

Love and the Agreements We Make With Ourselves

For those who have ever wanted a real love relationship of the lasting kind but can't seem to achieve it, read on. There comes a point in some of your lives that you reach before others do, but your story has the same plot and conclusion. Time after time, I have witnessed this scenario played out and the only things that change are the names and the faces. Boy meets girl and decides to pursue her. Sometimes it is the other way around but not usually. Girl accepts the invitation and if the chemistry is right, they are off and running. At some point in the relationship, sex becomes a factor, usually before any talk of a formal commitment and sometimes without so much as a phone number exchange. From there, they decide if there is a relationship worth pursuing. Sort of like the cart before the horse, so to speak. Sometimes the woman decides to use sex as a way to get her man or the man opts for the recreational sex, disguised as "I really care about you." Unfortunately, for most of these encounters, they usually end with disappointment and hurt feelings. Sadly, these same individuals usually continue making these same types of choices, sort of like shooting themselves in the foot, every opportunity. Furthermore, they would have you think that it is always something about that other person that kept them from merging or committing or even getting to know one another. The fact is, it boils down to one thing...fear. This emotion can be so compelling that the very thing we yearn for and need, unconditional love and acceptance, becomes the thing that we are most afraid of. When someone uses sex as a means to an end, be it recreational sex or "I will sex him or her to the altar (when really I am not a sexual person and haven't a clue about real lovemaking or emotional intimacy)," then it is safe to say that it will end in a way that loving relationships weren't meant to...splitting up or failing to merge. Sometimes this process can take years and sometimes it can take just one encounter with that person. Sadly, the one thing given to us in this life that should be the most profound, intimate experience between two human beings, is reduced to an act of sex that eventually will bore the mind and leave the persons involved feeling empty. Then it becomes an intellectual question. What does it take to find that special person that will give us the unconditional love and acceptance we as human beings thrive on? I have come to the conclusion that you get what you expect from your relationships and although many of us will never take responsibility for our own self-concept, this is where the problem hides, waiting to sabotage our endeavors every time. For example, the guy or girl who makes agreements with themselves to excuse unacceptable behavior from their partners or agrees to sex with no strings attached, and betrays themselves in doing so. Or the guy or girl who takes advantage of every opportunity for sex (however shabby or inappropriate the circumstance) to get that feel good fix, which I should point out, is very short-lived and temporary. Later, those same individuals have to return to the reality of their own self-worth and lack there of...wouldn't a close, loving relationship built on honesty and trust be more appealing? To say the very least, NOT!! These types of people will never stray from the "safety" of the path they have chosen for one reason only...FEAR. When you take a risk or that leap of faith and make a commitment to trust another person to see you with all your flaws and imperfections and STILL love you, there can be that ever present FEAR that it will end in a loss instead of something gained or even a broken heart. If you have ever had your feelings hurt or have been betrayed, then this option certainly doesn't feel very comfortable. Worse than that, when you don't feel worthy of unconditional love, you miss so many wonderful opportunities to share your life with another. This life we are given isn't a dress rehearsal and we don't get a do-over. My unsolicited advice to any of you who read this is to be good to yourself and take a long hard look at your own self-concept and what you are truly deserving of...love in its purest form has no limit and can be the most rewarding and exciting experience of your life. Look him or her straight in the eye on that first date or encounter and respect each other enough to ask yourself, do I really find this person interesting and someone worth pursuing or am I just looking for a good time...a quick fix with no risks? Somewhere genuine love has been lost in the shuffle and compassion for ourselves and our own self-worth has become obscure. This can't be what was planned for us as the loving, compassionate creatures that we can or should be. I will never stop looking for the love of my life, even knowing when I take that risk, it could have a sad ending. It is always worth the disappointment to try to love someone than to have never felt love at all. I would take the risk if I thought he was the one for me. As the saying goes, it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. Take heart and have faith that providence in it's divine wisdom, wants you to find that special person and have the closeness and contentment that real love, intimate love can bring you. There is no greater gift than loving someone and having that love returned and, certainly, no greater joy. Please, to those of you who think you are unable to commit or fail to merge, ask yourself what it is that makes you feel uncomfortable and I think you will find the answer lies within you. Redesign your own self-concept and others will respect you for it, if nothing else. Strive for the greatest love you can have and never settle for less that what we all deserve in our experience here on earth. Look into your heart and be honest and compassionate, and may your word have integrity. Honor each other before you rush to the sheets. Be strong and stand by your principles and reasonable expectations of each another and know that real relationships take time to grow and need to be nurtured. Just as a beautiful flower grows, without water and the right ingredients, it will wilt and eventually die with time. Be true to yourself and the man or woman you are courting and take the time to get to know one another. Talk to each other and communicate your feelings or lack there of, honestly. I do believe, as the fragile human beings we can sometimes be, we can poison our relationships with a lack of integrity and a lack of communication combined with our own assumptions. In doing this we inevitably take the other person’s actions (or inactions) personally, when really they are only projecting themselves and their own fears or inadequacies. This really has little or nothing to do with us but then we seal these agreements (inappropriate conclusions) within ourselves with that ever sticky ball called fear. Instead, why not ask the questions and be as candid as possible?If you are lucky enough to find that special someone, tell him or her, and show him or her every day how much you love them and that they are important to you...the risk is so worth the rewards from a love that can transcend all others understanding, except between you two. Take care and be good to yourselves and remember life is really a crap shoot and to gain a great love, you have to risk a great sorrow. Nevertheless, it's better than being a fraud or worse, just indifferent. Step away from the sidelines and take that leap of faith not only in someone else but most of all, in yourself.

Vaya con dios. Your Ohio Friend, Shawn

Friends and Lovers Dedicated to Rolfe and other friends I talked with about this subject. Can men and women be Friends and Lovers? I used believe it was true. I told myself and my friends that, yes, you could have sex with someone and not have a relationship. I used to say if you both go into it knowing that, it's just sex and nothing more. I used to think everything would be okay. I was wrong and I found out first hand. Also, I have talked with both males and females and all of them agree it can't be done without someone getting hurt. Have you ever just met someone through email and then have gotten to know them better through phone conversations? From there, you set up a date to meet and even that occasion goes well. So down the road you then become a couple? No, you both agree that you are not ready for a committed relationship (or did you just go along with a charade?). So, you become Friends with no love and sex as a sideline? Put like that it sounds silly and in reality it is. To paraphrase a quote "Men and women can't be friends, sex always gets in the way" This is so true! Many of my friends have told me of a great relationship they had in the past. They have told me how wonderful that person was and so on and so on. Then one day that great person says, "Let's just be friends" All agreed it was harder than rock candy to be friends after you have had sex...especially if it was great sex. Two consenting adults from our group should know sex can be dangerous ground to walk. Still we leap before we think. So now your heart is broken and that "great, wonderful" person has found better things to do, without you. Now you are sadder than you could have ever imagined and dragging yourself around like a wounded deer. Lets go back, a little bit, to the beginning. Back to when that "great" person said "I'm not ready for a committed relationship" That was your first clue that this person isn't for keeps. My advice, at this point, would be for you to move on at warp speed. GET AWAY FROM THEM!! Sex with this "great" person will not be worth the pain of losing them or, worse, learning that you will never have a complete relationship with them, ever. But as a consolation prize you can still have sex with them? Now isn't that nice. Sometimes it can get so twisted that you could go crazy trying to create a relationship with someone that will not fully commit to a lunch date, let alone to become a couple. Be kind to yourself and don't let this happen to you. It's not as hard as it sounds to avoid this situation. I have done it and so can you. I have lots of male friends. I have no lovers. When I do meet that special guy, he will be loaded with all the qualities I admire. He'll have love and affection, one under each arm, and trust with commitment strapped across his back. I don't think of loving someone as a small endeavor, anymore. Not after everything I have been through in my lifetime. For me it will become the most significant long-term event I will ever be involved in with another adult. I plan to take it seriously and so should you. I am going to share all I have to give in the relationship and I expect him to return the same. I would like to share something with you that I read in "Columbus ALIVE" written by "Amy." "Falling in love with someone is something that happens to you. Loving someone is something you do. Loving someone is taking an extra-extra large active interest in the well being of somebody else". Think about it. So what does love got to with it? And why do fools fall in love? Momma said you can't hurry love. How will I know if he really loves me? It's in his kiss.

Paula Petals

Ohio Friends member writes:

'Love Yourself '

After reading ‘Friends and Lovers’ by Paula Petals I thought to write about my relationship. Looking back I’m embarrassed and a little ashamed of myself for wasting so much time on a loser! I really thought I was in love and I had hoped that my love alone would be enough to change him. Instead of a mutual love I thought because we both had herpes we would therefore make a great couple. I was wrong. I met him online. He and I both had herpes and he was very knowledgeable about the virus itself as well as all the emotional upset that comes with it. Over the course of a year we became great friends. I could tell him anything and he too shared parts of his life with me. Back them I would have described him as being my best friend. Yet we still had never met. This was a few years ago. I had never been to a national herpes event. We planned to meet at Indy 2000. I was so excited! By this time we had exchanged pictures and talked over the phone for hours. He was to meet me at the airport and we were going to spend the whole weekend together sightseeing and getting to know each other better. However, things didn’t exactly go that way. I saw him as soon as I walked off the ramp. It wasn’t the warm embrace and kiss I had hoped for but he was very polite and kind to me. We went back to the hotel. While checking in I noticed he knew so many people he introduced me to everyone. Looking back I can see he was just letting everyone know that he was a very helpful guy. He never once told anyone I was his special friend. He walked me to the room and we had sex. We were at it before the door had time to close. Soon after he announces that he’s sharing a room with a few of the guys and since he paid for it he may as well stay there. Of course I told him he could stay with me. He apologized but had to hurry he was late meeting someone. I didn’t see him again until late that night and then only for a second from across the room. He waved to me and smiled but then he was gone again. I felt so bad and so lonely. I looked for him the next morning but didn’t find until just about time to go to event. He introduced me to some women he knew. He told them I was from out of town and didn’t have a ride to where the event was being held. Everyone was very nice to me and I didn’t have any trouble getting to and from the event. He was busy the entire night talking to everyone but me. Sadly I left around midnight. A little after 4AM he opened my door. I was in bed asleep at last after crying for over an hour. He wakes me up we have sex and he stayed the night. In the morning he was rushing to catch his plane we never did get to talk or have breakfast together. I spent over 250 dollars on the worst weekend of my life. When I returned home I found he had written me an email. He wrote about what a wonderful time he had and how nice it was meeting me. It was so much bull shit I can’t to this day decide what made me so happy. Sadly I stayed his friend. That’s what he said we were. We would meet for fast sex and then he would go. I can’t tell you why I let this relationship continue for another year but I did. When my close friends ask me why I’m still with him I tell them it’s because I love him. The truth was I didn’t love myself. He wasn’t that handsome but he was available and I felt he was the best I could hope for. I know now I was wrong. Since before finding out I had herpes and long after my divorce there was a very nice man working just down the hall in the office building where I work. He has been asking me out since the late 90’s I’ve always turned him down. I didn’t want to have to tell him that I had herpes. I worried that it would get back to the where I worked. However, 8 months ago I agreed to go out with him. Since then we have become great friends as well as lovers. I’ve met his children and his mother. He has stayed over to my house and I his. I also have the keys to his place. We even had a big argument over his watching football during our romantic dinner. We made up and he sent me a dozen red roses. I told him I had herpes 5 weeks into our relationship. He had a lot of questions. He got a book from the store and we read it together. At first he used condom but not anymore. We haven’t sacrificed any aspect of the sexual experience! He holds my hand out in public, loves my stuffed cabbage and tells everyone he couldn’t live without me. I love him very much. I hope sharing my story will help someone who may see themselves in my words. Don’t settle for less than the best in your relationship.

Anonymous